Clinical perspectives on supporting children in distress: The power of presence

Having worked as a clinical psychologist, I have encountered numerous instances of families struggling to cope with their child’s emotional challenges. Parents are naturally inclined to take action, rectify the situation, and provide solutions when their children are feeling upset. Nevertheless, during this moment, it’s important to bear in mind that a child’s brain is not open for anything.?… They are inundated with nervous system messages, and their primary concern is finding a way to stay safe.  

The neuroscience of emotional regulation

The brain’s stress response in children is activated by big emotions, leading to the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. They can respond to immediate threats with this response, but it also hinders their ability to access higher-level thinking and reasoning. Their inability to reason or reason in this state makes them more susceptible to being overwhelmed. 

The importance of presence

During difficult times, children seek refuge from danger and social interaction. The feeling of being seen, heard and understood is crucial for them. This is where presence comes in, the physical and emotional involvement with your child. Your child’s nervous system is being managed by holding them, speaking calmly, and standing up straight. Why? Your actions are conveying to them that they have a partner in their struggle and that you are there for them.

 The power of physical touch

A powerful physical touch can help to calm the nervous system.’  You are providing a sense of protection by holding your child. They can control their heart rate, breathe deeply, and experience less stress. When people feel emotionally connected through physical touch, they are likely to experience a release of oxytocin, which is known as the “cuddle hormone.”. 

Holding your tongue

Children are prone to offering wisdom, lecturing, or trying to fix their own problems when they’re upset. The power of words is easily negated in the heat of action. Experiencing criticism, being judged, or being misinterpreted can make children feel aggravating. Why? Instead, you should hold your tongue and focus on offering a non-judgmental presence. 

Holding the space

Holding back means giving your child the freedom to express themselves. The definition suggests being fully present and active, without any attempt to fix the issue or suggest solutions. Holding the space allows your child to process their emotions, feel their presence, and learn how to regulate their feelings. 

Connection before correction

It’s crucial to prioritize connection over correction when children are upset. Why? Rather than trying to fix things, or even offering solutions, focus on building an emotional connection with your child. Through this action, you are supporting your child in developing emotional regulation, resilience, and strengthening your bond. 

The Benefits of Presence. The combination of presence and connection in your child’s life provides them with several advantages, including: 

Your role is to assist your child in learning how to manage their emotions and stress by assisting them. 

You are teaching your child how to endure through hardships and come back to health. 

Your child is developing a strong bond with you, creating trust, and providing them with reassurance. 

Conclusion

When children are upset, it’s important to be present and connected. Holding your child tightly with your hand, your tongue, and the space is key to helping them manage their emotions and build resilience. Rather than trying to fix things, or even offering solutions, I advise parents as clinical psychologists to focus on developing an emotional bond with their child. You will equip your child with the necessary knowledge and skills to succeed in life.’

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