Freeze the gyaan! The real reason Indian women aren’t having babies

Freeze your eggs!
Do your duty to society!!
Don’t bring children into this horrible world at all.

Everybody and their social media uncle has an opinion on the fertility of women. Zoho’s Sridhar Vembu recently weighed in, advising women to have kids in their twenties rather than postponing the decision. Reproductive gyaan to women is nothing new. In the era of no birth control, this meant virginal young brides being married off early and producing cricket-team-sized families. There was no choice, really, it was survival of the species.
Then, we found ways to prevent disease, even eliminate some. The babies who once died at birth, or as infants, stopped dying. The adults who retired at 60 and — if lucky — hit 70, now aim for centuries. The jansankhya ka aankada galloped from millions to over a billion, 1.4 to be precise.
Now, economists and think tanks warn that our demographic dividend is turning into demographic decline. For those of us who grew up in an era where the govt promoted ‘hum do, hamare do’ as an ideal, this is understandably confusing. Then, population was sold as a ‘problem’ and Nirodh, the panacea.

Cut to Generation X, which ripened for marriage in the 1990s. Code-language style matrimonial ads filled up half the Sunday newspaper. IIM Ahmedabad’s class of 1993 (to which I belong) had the choice of ‘love marriage’ or ‘arranged marriage’. ‘I will not marry’ was not on the table.

Once married, you announced the ‘good news’ within two to five years. Many of us went from ‘hamare do’ to ‘hamara ek’, boy or girl koi bhi chalega. So, the only logical number the next generation could go to was zero.  And now that you can swipe your way through life, why even get married? But even for those who cannot resist being the star of your very own Karan Johar-inspired wedding production, kids are not happening — not yet, and maybe never.

There are many, many theories about aisa kyun ho raha hai. From ‘ladkiyan career par focus karna chahti hain’ (girls are too career focused) to ‘youngsters don’t want to grow up and take responsibility’. But after observing the brave ones who do have a child, I have come to a different conclusion. The problem seems to be what I call ‘perfect parent’ syndrome.

As high achievers in life, today’s young couples strive to achieve the highest rating not just in the office, but in the scorecard of parenting.
I have seen parents who tell visitors ‘not to ring the bell’ as it will disturb the child. Parents who ensure their child is never left unattended, not even for a minute. And those who constantly run after them with a spoon saying, ‘Just one more bite’.  Naturally, the act of parenting is endlessly exhausting, despite the adorable pictures on Instagram.

Our grandmothers with a cricket team to raise had no such anxieties. There was a bevy of chachas and buas, didis and bhaiyyas to co-parent, which essentially meant: feed and clothe the child. Also, make sure they do not accidentally kill themselves by swallowing the shiny metal objects lying around.

Now the pressure is entirely on the parents, particularly the mom. If she is working, this means handling office politics, as well as an SME-size staff at home — maid, back up maid, cook, nanny, driver, dhobi, etc etc etc. And, even with all this help, and just one child, she is ten times as stressed as her own mother, who cooked three meals a day herself.

So, what’s the solution, you might ask. Having kids early (late 20s) — yes, it is chaotic for a while, but you have your 40s and beyond to live it up? Having kids later (mid-30s and beyond), you have more resources and are (hopefully) more mature? However, you will be attending school PTAs in your 50s.

Whatever the age, parenting has never been harder than it is right now. We don’t have that village we need to raise a child/children, and no alternate support systems. How many of us have ‘neighbours like family’ whom we trust our child can spend an hour or two with when needed? Maybe such people exist but we never had the time to get to know them.

And then there are IIM-educated couples who say — in all seriousness — “we cannot afford a child.” What they really mean is: we may not be able to send our child to the most expensive school in the city and later, to a very expensive Ivy League university (that being the default, janamsiddh adhikaar!). Bhai, bachchas don’t demand these things — all they need is love. Also, a bit of struggle never hurt anyone, and may actually be just what they need. To be cool, confident, content, conscious, and contributing citizens.

Bansal is an author who writes on entrepreneurship and society 

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